Conversationalist
by a very potter parody
Summary: Who knew Voldemort was one?


Harry was poring over his book, 'how to be a dark lord.' Know thy enemy and all that crap, right? So he was reading the chapter on quick tips.

_Hey! Voldy!_

Harry had discovered that he could use the link with the Dark Lord in his head to have conversations- and said Dark Lord had also learned the downside of said connection: teenage boys were a pain in the arse.

_What, Potter? Things to do, people to kill, all that crap…_

_Do you really have do bathe in a pregnant woman's blood every night for six weeks and turn the moon the exact shade of said pregnant woman's blood in order to be a _real _evil lord?_

_WHAT? No. What nonsense._

_Well, you're not a real dark lord, then. Ha, ha, haha, ha…_

_I am too a real dark lord, you stupid son of a mudblood._

_Hey! My mum was smarter than you, you son of a (practically a) squib!_

_How do you know about my tragic past?_

_Magic, Tommy, magic. Ha. I know all your secrets…_

_Shut up, Potter, or I'll plague your mind with images of me and your mother having sexual intercourse._

_Okay. I'll shut up. I WILL! I REALLY WILL! Just…no images. Please. Imagine me with puppy eyes._

_…That's a really unattractive expression, Potter._

_Back to it! You're not a real dark lord, ha, ha, haha, ha…_

_Potter, your childish antics are boring me. What Dark Lord manual are you reading, anyway?_

_The original. __**How To Be Evil: A Practical Guide**__, by Gellert Grindelwald himself._

_…what?_

_Later, you fake dark lord._

_SHUT UP!_

* * *

_You only live once, oooohhh, so you need to live like it's your last day eveeerrrr...ohhhhh, yeeaaaahhhh…_

_Uh. Potter? What bull. I'm going to live forever. Hello? Evil dark lord here?_

_Fake dark lord._

_Whatever, Potter._

_Have you ever thought about how amazing our poop is?_

_…I'm sorry?_

_I mean, it expels all the shit- literally- from our body. Isn't it amazing? And- the invention of the asshole! Isn't it awesome? Oooooohhhhh…life isn't gonna laaast, baayybbeeeeeeee…_

_…Potter, are you taking a crap and listening to crappy music?_

_Maybe._

_Get out of my mind, you disgusting, unhygienic moron._

* * *

_Voldy?_

_Potter, do you have anything better to do than sit here and piss me off every day?_

_Naw, not really._

_Well: get out._

_You can't make me…YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL! IF ONLY YOU SAW WHAT I COULD SEE…._

_Potter- is that One Direction?_

_…maybe. How did you know?_

_I tried to kill them but the rabid fangirls drove me away._

_Well, good for you._

_Wait…Potter, you were just singing one of their songs!_

_Meh. They get stuck in my head._

_True._

_Voldy?_

_What? I'm trying to relieve my sexual tension here!_

_But…_

_Stop if you value your life, Potter._

_You were reborn without a pe-_

_POTTER!_

_-nis. I mean, that's what you get for using dark rituals- but how do you relieve sexual tension?!_

_Uhh. I'll, uh, show you?_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_VOLDY! YOU WATCH BELLATRIX AND HER HUSBAND AND USE LEGILIMENCY TO FEEL WHAT HER HUSBAND IS FEELING?_

_What else can I do? You said it, I don't have a damn penis! MY CROTCH AREA SINGS, GODDAMMIT!_

_…eew. So that's why you keep Bellatrix around._

_Why else? She brought me a pregnant woman and tried to make me eat the fetus. She's seen me eat normal food, for Salazar's sake!_

_Oh! That's quick tip 23,000,000,001 in __**How To Be Evil: A Practical Guide.**_

_So that's where she gets all the pregnant women stuff._

_'My lord? Your bath is ready! I have sprinkled the blood from a pregnant women into the waters, my lord.'_

_…that's tip 101,000,000,265 in __**How To Be Evil: A Practical Guide.**_

_…_

_…_

_Damn, boy. I need to buy that book. Time for baths and more watching-_

_Don't finish that sentence. I'm an innocent boy._

_Innocent, my pale arse._

* * *

_…uhh…Voldy?_

_WHAT, POTTER?_

_…you were a genius back in the day, right?_

_As a matter of fact, I was._

_Well, I'm in a History of Magic test…_

_And I ain't telling you the answers._

_But…Voldy! You wound me so! I thought we were- we were friends!_

_Potter, that speech isn't going to do anything._

_…_

_FINE. What do you need to know?_

* * *

_Potter, which girl are you using? I can hear you and I can't plot world domination because of it._

_Uhh. Not sure. I think her name's Kathleen._

_You don't know? Well, I don't blame you. If I had a penis I'd be-_

_Don't finish that sentence._

_-going out and banging birds left and right._

_Why thank you for that lovely mental image, Voldemort._

_No problem._

_'Oooh, Harry…'_

_'Uh…Kathleen…'_

_'KATHLEEN? My name's EMMA! I HATE YOU!'_

_'Uh- what? I said Emma.'_

_'Like hell you did. I'm gone!'_

_'Kay then.'_

_'You're not going to chase after me desperately, determined to amend your mistake?'_

_'…was I supposed to?'_

_'Fuck you, Potter.'_

_…Busted!_

_Shut it, Voldy._

* * *

_Voldy?_

_WHAT? Trying to shop for my Dark Lord Winter Wardrobe here?_

_…You shop?_

_It's me or Bellatrix._

_Oh. She's crazy._

_Ikr?!_

_What?_

_I know right. Get with it, Potter._

_…sorry?_

_Damn right. Now. I sent her last year and she came back with a pregnant woman's skin. Who does that?_

_That's tip 549,000,000,007 in __**How To Be Evil: A Practical Guide.**_

_Shut up, Potter._

_…Voldy?_

_WHAT?_

_Are we…friends?_

_Meh. I'm an evil lord. I don't have friends._

_But I'm tragically insecure!_

_…if I wasn't evil…I suppose so._

_Oh. Awesome._

_I'm going to try and kill One Direction again. Care to join me?_

_Nah. I'm scared of rabid fangirls._

_Suit yourself._

* * *

_…Voldy?_

_Yes?_

_This is the last time we can talk. I've got to learn Occlumency._

_…what?_

_I know. I'm sorry, Voldy. _

_It was an honor being your friend, Harry Potter._

_It was an honor being yours, Tom- may I call you Tom?_

_Of course, Harry- if I can call you that?_

_Of course. I'll miss you, Voldy._

_I'll- I'll miss you too, friend._

* * *

And that night, for the first time, Lord Voldemort cried.


End file.
